I'm No Angel

There are so many distractions out there in the world. The tv, the computer, your mind. It's so easy to get mixed up in all of it and not be sure which part of it all your supposed to be a part of. Do pick what feels safe? Or do you go with every option that you shouldn't?

I've been thinking about this so much. I've come to realize that college is just one big mind fuck. You think that you are going to be able to become a new person, that you will be stronger or funnier, or have more friends. But you are the same exact person that you started off as, but now you are...now I am....faced with all of these options....and all of these distractions.

It's so much easier to look at things and see all the shit that is there, why bother seeing the good things if you have to work to look for them. The shit is all laying right at the top of the pile isn't it? you don't even have to search. It's right there.

Is it really so wrong to be dangerous? Is it that bad to pick the stuff that you shouldn't? Because what's really going to happen? You'll fuck up. Right? That's what they all say. If you pick the bad stuff then you are on the road to dissapointment...to failure...to nowhere. Half the time I think "they" are right. That is usually where it leads. But tell me then, why, when I know where those things will take me, do I want to choose them for exactly that reason? It's scary to think that I thought I was a safe person, that I would never do bad things, but it was always inside me. That demon was always there, I had just been keeping her locked up all this time. But she's not locked up anymore. I'm letting her out. And she isn't going away for a while. Not yet. She has been away too long.

So I don't know where this is taking me now...where I am taking me now...but I'm not fighting it. I've done that too long already. I'm going with it. And whether or not I go down the road of disappointment and failure is entirely and unutterably up to chance. So I'm going to see where this is going to take me....let's hope I don't fuck up too bad.

Until next time....it's all just Hidden Secrets.

If you are thinking, you are winning...a quote from a Tshirt I liked...

So it has been exactly six days since my last blog. Ha! I feel like I'm in confession. It has been so busy, I was going to write a few days ago because I had gotten into a big fight with my dad and I had some good feelings and ideas going on, but I was too tired and mad to do anything. And now I can't remember a single one of those ideas, I can't even remember what we had fought over. Goes to show you, do things right away!! Don't procrastinate!! (says the Queen of procrastination) Wow, I'm not sure if I should talk about procrastination or something else, because even though you can't tell I just spent about 20 minutes on Facebook doing absolutely nothing important...yea I am definitely the Queen of it.

I have decided that I will put up a picture of myself if I get at least one subscriber! I was going to put up a picture at the end of the blog after I figure everything out like I set out to do, but I realized that I could have more fun with it if I do something different. So to see the transformation of no picture to picture all I need is one subscriber and then you will get a glimpse of me!

I go back to school in less than a week, I really don't know where the time went...that's a scary concept right there, time, it's this intangible, invisible thing that is constantly changing and effecting our lives and we have no effect over it. It literally is a scary thought. An entirely new semester starts on Sunday and I can barely remember the first semster...ledging might have had something to do with that though. :P But really, how often does it happen, you wake up grab some clothes, look in the mirror and wonder, when in the hell did I grow up? I've been doing that more and more lately. Between the worries of financial stability, student loans, a job, and other various things, somewhere in there is me. The 18 year old version of me. I was five once..FIVE...we all were...can you believe it? And when we were five I'm sure we weren't worried about anything...or for others, maybe at five, they were worried about everything. We all seem to grow up at different times. I just wish that it came with an instruction manual or at least someone to help you understand the transition because I'll tell you what, I'm so confused I can't seem to figure out where up is.

I always say I'm not scared to get old and die, but in reality, I'm terrified. I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on things, I'm scared I will never see the people I truly love again..and that is a terrifying thought. And I'm not really sure how to be okay with all of it other than just telling myself and everyone else that I'm not worried about it at all. It helps a little bit because sometimes I let myself believe that it's true, but I know that I'm just putting up a wall or a veil if you will. I don't want anyone to know I'm scared, I want to be strong.

Now I'm getting myself upset. I didn't want to do that, so I'm going to change subject slightly. About going back to school, I have no clue what in the hell I want to do and it is driving me out of my mind!! I love so many things there is no way I can choose one thing to do. I love marine biology (I studied Dolphins for 3 years as an independent study), I love horses, I love animals in general, I love children, I love teaching (i have a 1st gr religious ed class and I work at a daycare), I love the human mind, I am interested in dream analysis, I like working with the elderly, I love food and everything about it (cooking, eating, composition), I love photography (I had a showing at a local gallery), I love writing and I LOVE traveling. If there is one thing that combines all of that in one, then I will be the happiest person alive. Until then, I'm going to have to settle for a psychology major. Ha! And years ago I was swearing I would be a vet. Oh well!

Well I'm exhausted and confused more so than when I started this. I've got a dentist appointment in the morning. Novocaine here I come!!!! I hope that you can find the one thing that is right for you and that makes you completely happy.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets ;)

Where have all the cowboys gone? No really, where did they all go?

Sorry I haven't written in a few days, it's been...eventful to say the least, and that is saying the least. Since I last wrote I have proceeded to get in a fight with my mom, realize that I have never truly been in love and found that I can control my dreams so long as I am in a good mood. Let's just say I'm all confuzzled...not sure if that's a word...

But quick I want to give you a few more insights on myself;I'm only going to do three. I love to collect antique books, though I don't read all of them I have read a few, hence my favorite book (Puck of Pooks Hill by Rudyard Kipling). What's great about antique books is that you have no idea who held it before you or who flipped the pages before you did. It's mysterious and in a way, a little magical...and I need a little magic in my life right now. I hate my cell phone. I am one of the very few teenagers who absolutely hates their cell. I constantly forget it or leave it some where or just flat out loose it. It usually takes days to get the motivation to find it. (I know it's time to start looking when I get calls on the home phone). And lastly my favorite color is blue. I love blue.

Okay, enough about that stuff. My mom and I got in a huge fight, it was a bit different because I actually let out everything (well, almost everything) I had been holding inside. Now whether she actually listened to a word I said is another story, but the fact that it was out and that I can't say I never told her how I feel felt....liberating. It was a great big weight off of my chest.I may have been mad, I may have hated her and my dad (who was trying to be doctor Phil, I wanted to punch him in the face) and I may have been crying so hard that I couldn't see a thing and all I could hear were my obnoxious snorts and my brother trying not to laugh; at least it was out. No more hoping to get in a fight just so I could hold in those feelings a little bit longer and give myself reason to be angry. No, I didn't have that excuse any more and in all honesty, it's really great. And you know half of the reason we hold that stuff in is so that we have something, if anything, to hold onto. Something that we can use as our fuel and justification. The other half of the reason we hold it in is because we are scared, we are scared of not being heard. Nothing sucks more than voicing feelings that are raw and important, especially to us, and then having them fall short.

Lesson one. People hear what they want to hear. I learned that from the fight with my mom. NO matter how much our words mean to us (seeing as they often come from years worth of shit) the other person will still hear what they want. And the sooner we accept that we can't change that the better, because once all of those years of shit get out there is no longer that reason or justification to be angry. It is suddenly gone. We have no reason to be bitter and so we are happy. I know that once I got all 18 years worth of suppressed feelings out I felt better, even though my mom completely contorted everything I said to her. I just nodded my head and said "you really don't get it do you?" I think that's all we can do, just nod our heads and ask them if they really get it. Do they really understand? Do they really know what they just did? That they completely overlooked years of emotions. We just have to ask them and then accept it because it's true. And then we must move on.

So here is me. Moving on. I have never really been heard, I have never been in love and for some bizarre reason, if i'm in a good mood I can control my dreams....go freaking figure.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets. ; )

Happy New Year! 2010

It's a new year, and with that comes...actually, I think that it's best to not attach anything with the new year. I have decided to throw away all of the "This year will be better" and "2010 will bring better things" notions, because in all honesty I have no idea what it will bring. So why assume or think that this year will be any better than the past years just because it's new? The past years were new years at one point and they weren't always better than the others. So all I will say for 2010 is that it is a new year, that's it. It is an opportunity to try new things, go new places and meet new people, and whether those things are planned or not in insignificant because it is what we make of it. So here is to a new year.

I spent my new years eve with two very close friends of mine. We had a blast, we watched movies we made fancy drinks, (non-alcoholic of course ;P ) watched the ball drop and popped champagne (just for fun ;P). It was so nice to be with people I really cared about, I didn't need some big elaborate party with lots of people (some of whom I probably wouldn't have known).

I think that this new year, 2010 that is, is going to be about being with people you care about. Our country is in a crisis, we are going through a lot of problems in so many different aspects and it seems our government is trying to work it all out, but it's going to take some time...but that's okay. We have our family to lean on, we have our friends. Our recession may be taking our jobs and our homes, our money and our things, but it can't take away family. It can't take away friendship. I won't let it take away those things. We had our time when the economy was good, we were able to spend and be comfortable but now we are in a time where we need to re-assess what is really important...who is really important. Is it our flat screen tv? Or is it our neighbor who just lost his job and is having a hard time figuring out how he is going to survive? Which would you choose to stick with. I know my answer to that.

I don't know what your new year resolutions are, and what ever they are I hope you are successful with them. I did not make one this year. I don't think I need to or should, I need to focus on keeping my family strong and together and whole. We are solid and we won't be going anywhere any time soon, but why wait until later to make a difference? What if later is too late? I am not willing to take that risk. I know that this year I am going to make sure I keep all of the people I care close to me and help them whenever they need, and know that they would do the same for me. That is what 2010 is about, helping people in a time of need.

Happy New Years...2010 here we come.

Hiya, this blog is going to be a bit shorter than the others seeing as I went into the city today to meet up my friends from school (hmm what mystery city am I talking about?) I am so exhausted I swear if i put up the unedited version of this there would be so many spelling errors that would make no sense at all, it would just be gibberish. I am so tired my eyes sting. You know when that happens? When you are so drained and tired that your eyes literally start to sting and burn. I think it's out body's way of saying GET SOME REST! So that is exactly what I will be doing very very shortly.

After being in the city all day with my friends from school I really appreciated having them in my life. I mean, when else would I ever have an excuse to randomly go to the city and spend money without feeling to terribly guilty (though in the recession i feel like it's impossible to feel completely guilt free) and when else would I be able to forget everything and just enjoy myself. I was having such a great day and then it was brought down momentarily when I received a rude text from a friend at home. At first when I got the text I was hurt and upset (the actual content of the text isn't really important, it's more of the fact that she sent it to me at all) but then I became angry and annoyed. I have had on and of problems with her for twelve years and all of those twelve years she made me feel like it all was my fault, and I believed it, I really thought it was all my fault. But after going to school and meeting new people and joining a sorority (fun fact) I got to experience what it felt like to have friends who had my back no matter what, who would never hurt me intentionally, and who would never make me feel like something was my fault just so they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their actions or just so they could have someone to blame.

So I sat in the city, surrounded by my best friends and stood my ground, told my other friend how I felt about her rude text and you know what happened? She responded, and I don't know if I made her feel guilty, but she apologized...sort of, she has an odd way of apologizing but I know how she does it and that is exactly what I saw in her text. But now I know, I know where real friendship lies, I know who I can go to with out worrying about what they're going to think of me or if they can keep it a secret, or if they'll just listen to what I have to say. All of those things are things that I have had to worry about for so long, but not any more. I've begun to find myself, and even though I still have only touched the tip of the iceberg (and this blog has already helped me) I have a lot more to figure out. But I'm stronger, I am standing my ground and that is something that I have never been able to do. I think it's the combination of being away at college and having to do things on my own and having to eliminate all vulnerability (of course, there is always still some there).

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Artistotle



They keep me pieced together when I'm falling apart and I owe everything to them. Make sure, no matter where you are in life, that you cherish your friends. I certainly don't know how long I'll be lucky enough to have them in my life but however long I am given I plan on making the most out of it. So please, if there is someone who cares about you and has laughed with you and cried with you and told you things that no one else would then appreciate them. Appreciate every moment of laughter and tears, because those moments are the ones that shape us.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets.

Hello again. I'm not sure if it would be more practical to leave a post every few days or every week. It's easier to recap on certain things if I do it every day, but it would be easier to do it only a few times a week. Not sure what I'm going to do about this dilemma (though it's not exactly dangerous I'm going to consider this a dilemma).

Here are another few things about myself. I'm religious, but in an odd way. I was raised Roman Catholic, I believe in God with every fiber of my being, but I can't seem to get myself to grasp and believe everything about my religion. Personally I think the Bible is more about metaphors than actual happenings. (I don't want to get too into my religious feelings; you never know what could happen if someone simply voiced their opinion, a whole army could rise up and smother it out and tell them exactly how they should think). But i guess what I'm saying is that for being Catholic, I'm extremely open minded and open to interpretations. I LOVE to travel, I've been to several countries and have loved every single one of them. There is something about immersing oneself in a foreign culture that is exciting and curious. Where else can you sit at a pub and listen to genuine, ancient and traditional music while drinking a local ale? Or walk down cobblestone streets and hear a language you don't understand but know by the laughter that the conversations are happy ones. Or even touch the gravestone of a famous author and wonder what he did when he was alive. Truly, you can't beat moments like that, whether in Ireland, Italy, or England, you just can't beat it.

So today was a very simple day. I got to play with the an adorable and sweet natured child for about four hours while his mother socialized and got a small break from her matronly duties. It just made me realize that, though I adore children and love making them laugh and smile, I would so much rather be watching a good movie or wrapped up in a warm blanket with some tea taking a nap. I'm not sure if this means I'm lazy or not, but it makes me feel that way, though I don't feel that laziness (for the situation) is a bad thing in this case, just a teenage thing.

I think religion has been on my mind a lot ( I wasn't going to talk about religion any more because I was worried about upsetting some one, but then I remembered "oh yea! I made this blog to voice what I was thinking and to figure life out...I doubt restraining my thoughts will help my case) (and seriously, if you take anything offensively just know that they are my feelings and beliefs and they have no effect on you whatsoever, they affect me myself and I, so don't act all offended like my feelings physically injured you :P) So, I've been having a hard time understanding what exactly is right for me. I mentioned in my previous blog "The Secret"...the secret is about the law of attraction (no, not attraction as in 'oh i think he's a cutie') the law of attraction as if I desire something, and think about it enough and visualize it enough then eventually it will make it's way into my life. On countless occasions this method has worked for me and helped me, at first it scared me because I thought well if i'm doing this myself does that mean that God isn't real? Or not even that but I think what was running through my head was whether or not God made things happen or if we did.

I watched The Secret again and realized that it could be taken in a very religious way. The law of attraction is, by some, seen as a higher power (some see it as the Universe, others as God) answering the thought wave you have sent out. Interesting hmm? Of course I'm not doing it half the justice it deserves. It's so complicated that if I even tried to explain it in a somewhat remotely understandable way we would all be left thinking "what the heck is she trying to say here".

I have always been interested in different types of religions and belief systems. I think that it's important to believe in something, no matter what it is, because having that one thing that is so important gives us all something to hold on to. In times of hard-ship we have a something to turn to to seek guidance and strength. If having something to believe in helps us and sets up a strong platform of values and morals to lead or life on, then why the heck are people trying to destroy it? I don't care if you are muslin, Jewish, pagan or atheist. If you have a belief of some sort that lets you live your life and helps you get through hard times and situations then by all means, believe in it. I don't think any of the religions are "right" or "wrong" I think every religion is right for who ever chooses it. If you believe something enough then it becomes true. How do we know God is real? We don't, but we believe he is real, and so he is. To me he is real, he is present in my life everyday and I am thankful for that. But for someone else Allah is present in their life, or even several Gods, and to them they are all very real and also comforting. So why deprive people of something that gives them comfort and support? Let your beliefs be your own, do not impose or take away from someone elses.

Whew! Wow, I didn't really know I had all of those feelings, well, actually I think I did know I had just never put them down in words so I didn't realize how much there was to it. My head can fit a lot more than I thought it could. :P I hope this was some food for thought, because it constantly has me thinking (among other things) but today this just seemed to be on my mind more than usual. Wonder what it all means.

Unil next time...it's all Hidden Secrets ;)

My feet are killing me!

Day 3! I think it's interesting all the things that we can learn from that happen in everyday life, but we are too busy and totally dismiss them. I had a great day today...oh wait! I get to reveal a little bit more about myself for you.

So you know my age and all of that, you know I think way too into things, and that I am confused about, well, everything. Here's something new; I horseback ride, I've been horseback riding since I was six years old and it is one of those things that completely...completes me. Sometimes I would get lazy and not want to go to the barn for my lesson or just not want to move from whatever I was doing, but then I would get up and go. And every time I made it to the barn I would just think, why in the hell did I not want to come? The fresh air that smelt of half eaten hay and worn leather, the sound of the horses deep breaths and their hooves moving around in their stalls, and most wonderful of all the sight of all the horses heads leaning out of their stall doors to see who just came in the door. There is no better greeting to the senses than walking into a barn. (not for me at least) Hmm...what else about myself...well I laugh, a lot. I laugh at things people say, I laugh at things I say (sometimes I'm the only one laughing) I love watching comedians (Ralphie May, Jeff Dunham, or even John Pinette) because, well I dunno, laughing jsut makes me feel good and who doesn't want to feel good?? So I guess it's a little bit of a giveaway that if I like to laugh then I like to smile. I heard that just the act of smiling releases endorphins (so does laughing) which are the chemicals that create the happy feeling.

So optimism is really important to me and like I was writing in the beginning (if you forgot see top of blog :P) I had a pretty good day. My mom and I got to do some shopping, not much because the economy is hurting out pockets, but it was better than nothing and it got us both out if the house; it also completely exhausted us. I just noticed that things change so much depending on the mood you put yourself in. And I feel that you completely choose the mood you are in ( of course, I do realize there are situations that you have no control over how you feel) but in daily life when not a whole lot is going on, you choose whether you are in a good mood or a bad one. I could have easily been in a horrible mood all day, but I chose not to be. I decided to suck up any problems I may have with my mom and the moment and just enjoy things. It makes everything so much better. I'm sure some people have a much harder time just "sucking it up" and putting on a good mood, but if you can bring yourself to just get over your problems and worries for just a little bit, then by all means, DO IT!!! It makes an enourmous difference. Instead of your surroundings seeming dreary and dull (and trust me, over the past few days that is how some things have seemed to me...unfortunately) things will seem bright and just...better. but it all depends on what you are willing to do, at least that's what I think.

I guess my bad mood just got to me too much and I was tired of feeling sorry for myself...so I just smiled. (wow, all of this optimism is freaking me out a bit) Nah, if you knew me you would know that I am geneerally a happy person. If you watch The Secret you'd know why. It's an amazing movie that literally changed my life and how I see.

So what have I deduced from today? Optimism is key! And even though I know this, once again, I may or may not choose to be so. Hmm, you would think since I see that it is better and makes things easier that I would just do it, but I don't know why but sometimes it's seriously just not that easy.

Well my feet are killing me from shopping and my eyelids are starting to burn from exhaustion. I think it's my cue to go to bed. I hope all is well.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Sectets. ;)