So it has been exactly six days since my last blog. Ha! I feel like I'm in confession. It has been so busy, I was going to write a few days ago because I had gotten into a big fight with my dad and I had some good feelings and ideas going on, but I was too tired and mad to do anything. And now I can't remember a single one of those ideas, I can't even remember what we had fought over. Goes to show you, do things right away!! Don't procrastinate!! (says the Queen of procrastination) Wow, I'm not sure if I should talk about procrastination or something else, because even though you can't tell I just spent about 20 minutes on Facebook doing absolutely nothing important...yea I am definitely the Queen of it.
I have decided that I will put up a picture of myself if I get at least one subscriber! I was going to put up a picture at the end of the blog after I figure everything out like I set out to do, but I realized that I could have more fun with it if I do something different. So to see the transformation of no picture to picture all I need is one subscriber and then you will get a glimpse of me!
I go back to school in less than a week, I really don't know where the time went...that's a scary concept right there, time, it's this intangible, invisible thing that is constantly changing and effecting our lives and we have no effect over it. It literally is a scary thought. An entirely new semester starts on Sunday and I can barely remember the first semster...ledging might have had something to do with that though. :P But really, how often does it happen, you wake up grab some clothes, look in the mirror and wonder, when in the hell did I grow up? I've been doing that more and more lately. Between the worries of financial stability, student loans, a job, and other various things, somewhere in there is me. The 18 year old version of me. I was five once..FIVE...we all were...can you believe it? And when we were five I'm sure we weren't worried about anything...or for others, maybe at five, they were worried about everything. We all seem to grow up at different times. I just wish that it came with an instruction manual or at least someone to help you understand the transition because I'll tell you what, I'm so confused I can't seem to figure out where up is.
I always say I'm not scared to get old and die, but in reality, I'm terrified. I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on things, I'm scared I will never see the people I truly love again..and that is a terrifying thought. And I'm not really sure how to be okay with all of it other than just telling myself and everyone else that I'm not worried about it at all. It helps a little bit because sometimes I let myself believe that it's true, but I know that I'm just putting up a wall or a veil if you will. I don't want anyone to know I'm scared, I want to be strong.
Now I'm getting myself upset. I didn't want to do that, so I'm going to change subject slightly. About going back to school, I have no clue what in the hell I want to do and it is driving me out of my mind!! I love so many things there is no way I can choose one thing to do. I love marine biology (I studied Dolphins for 3 years as an independent study), I love horses, I love animals in general, I love children, I love teaching (i have a 1st gr religious ed class and I work at a daycare), I love the human mind, I am interested in dream analysis, I like working with the elderly, I love food and everything about it (cooking, eating, composition), I love photography (I had a showing at a local gallery), I love writing and I LOVE traveling. If there is one thing that combines all of that in one, then I will be the happiest person alive. Until then, I'm going to have to settle for a psychology major. Ha! And years ago I was swearing I would be a vet. Oh well!
Well I'm exhausted and confused more so than when I started this. I've got a dentist appointment in the morning. Novocaine here I come!!!! I hope that you can find the one thing that is right for you and that makes you completely happy.
Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets ;)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Where have all the cowboys gone? No really, where did they all go?
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, it's been...eventful to say the least, and that is saying the least. Since I last wrote I have proceeded to get in a fight with my mom, realize that I have never truly been in love and found that I can control my dreams so long as I am in a good mood. Let's just say I'm all confuzzled...not sure if that's a word...
But quick I want to give you a few more insights on myself;I'm only going to do three. I love to collect antique books, though I don't read all of them I have read a few, hence my favorite book (Puck of Pooks Hill by Rudyard Kipling). What's great about antique books is that you have no idea who held it before you or who flipped the pages before you did. It's mysterious and in a way, a little magical...and I need a little magic in my life right now. I hate my cell phone. I am one of the very few teenagers who absolutely hates their cell. I constantly forget it or leave it some where or just flat out loose it. It usually takes days to get the motivation to find it. (I know it's time to start looking when I get calls on the home phone). And lastly my favorite color is blue. I love blue.
Okay, enough about that stuff. My mom and I got in a huge fight, it was a bit different because I actually let out everything (well, almost everything) I had been holding inside. Now whether she actually listened to a word I said is another story, but the fact that it was out and that I can't say I never told her how I feel felt....liberating. It was a great big weight off of my chest.I may have been mad, I may have hated her and my dad (who was trying to be doctor Phil, I wanted to punch him in the face) and I may have been crying so hard that I couldn't see a thing and all I could hear were my obnoxious snorts and my brother trying not to laugh; at least it was out. No more hoping to get in a fight just so I could hold in those feelings a little bit longer and give myself reason to be angry. No, I didn't have that excuse any more and in all honesty, it's really great. And you know half of the reason we hold that stuff in is so that we have something, if anything, to hold onto. Something that we can use as our fuel and justification. The other half of the reason we hold it in is because we are scared, we are scared of not being heard. Nothing sucks more than voicing feelings that are raw and important, especially to us, and then having them fall short.
Lesson one. People hear what they want to hear. I learned that from the fight with my mom. NO matter how much our words mean to us (seeing as they often come from years worth of shit) the other person will still hear what they want. And the sooner we accept that we can't change that the better, because once all of those years of shit get out there is no longer that reason or justification to be angry. It is suddenly gone. We have no reason to be bitter and so we are happy. I know that once I got all 18 years worth of suppressed feelings out I felt better, even though my mom completely contorted everything I said to her. I just nodded my head and said "you really don't get it do you?" I think that's all we can do, just nod our heads and ask them if they really get it. Do they really understand? Do they really know what they just did? That they completely overlooked years of emotions. We just have to ask them and then accept it because it's true. And then we must move on.
So here is me. Moving on. I have never really been heard, I have never been in love and for some bizarre reason, if i'm in a good mood I can control my dreams....go freaking figure.
Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets. ; )
But quick I want to give you a few more insights on myself;I'm only going to do three. I love to collect antique books, though I don't read all of them I have read a few, hence my favorite book (Puck of Pooks Hill by Rudyard Kipling). What's great about antique books is that you have no idea who held it before you or who flipped the pages before you did. It's mysterious and in a way, a little magical...and I need a little magic in my life right now. I hate my cell phone. I am one of the very few teenagers who absolutely hates their cell. I constantly forget it or leave it some where or just flat out loose it. It usually takes days to get the motivation to find it. (I know it's time to start looking when I get calls on the home phone). And lastly my favorite color is blue. I love blue.
Okay, enough about that stuff. My mom and I got in a huge fight, it was a bit different because I actually let out everything (well, almost everything) I had been holding inside. Now whether she actually listened to a word I said is another story, but the fact that it was out and that I can't say I never told her how I feel felt....liberating. It was a great big weight off of my chest.I may have been mad, I may have hated her and my dad (who was trying to be doctor Phil, I wanted to punch him in the face) and I may have been crying so hard that I couldn't see a thing and all I could hear were my obnoxious snorts and my brother trying not to laugh; at least it was out. No more hoping to get in a fight just so I could hold in those feelings a little bit longer and give myself reason to be angry. No, I didn't have that excuse any more and in all honesty, it's really great. And you know half of the reason we hold that stuff in is so that we have something, if anything, to hold onto. Something that we can use as our fuel and justification. The other half of the reason we hold it in is because we are scared, we are scared of not being heard. Nothing sucks more than voicing feelings that are raw and important, especially to us, and then having them fall short.
Lesson one. People hear what they want to hear. I learned that from the fight with my mom. NO matter how much our words mean to us (seeing as they often come from years worth of shit) the other person will still hear what they want. And the sooner we accept that we can't change that the better, because once all of those years of shit get out there is no longer that reason or justification to be angry. It is suddenly gone. We have no reason to be bitter and so we are happy. I know that once I got all 18 years worth of suppressed feelings out I felt better, even though my mom completely contorted everything I said to her. I just nodded my head and said "you really don't get it do you?" I think that's all we can do, just nod our heads and ask them if they really get it. Do they really understand? Do they really know what they just did? That they completely overlooked years of emotions. We just have to ask them and then accept it because it's true. And then we must move on.
So here is me. Moving on. I have never really been heard, I have never been in love and for some bizarre reason, if i'm in a good mood I can control my dreams....go freaking figure.
Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets. ; )
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year! 2010
It's a new year, and with that comes...actually, I think that it's best to not attach anything with the new year. I have decided to throw away all of the "This year will be better" and "2010 will bring better things" notions, because in all honesty I have no idea what it will bring. So why assume or think that this year will be any better than the past years just because it's new? The past years were new years at one point and they weren't always better than the others. So all I will say for 2010 is that it is a new year, that's it. It is an opportunity to try new things, go new places and meet new people, and whether those things are planned or not in insignificant because it is what we make of it. So here is to a new year.
I spent my new years eve with two very close friends of mine. We had a blast, we watched movies we made fancy drinks, (non-alcoholic of course ;P ) watched the ball drop and popped champagne (just for fun ;P). It was so nice to be with people I really cared about, I didn't need some big elaborate party with lots of people (some of whom I probably wouldn't have known).
I think that this new year, 2010 that is, is going to be about being with people you care about. Our country is in a crisis, we are going through a lot of problems in so many different aspects and it seems our government is trying to work it all out, but it's going to take some time...but that's okay. We have our family to lean on, we have our friends. Our recession may be taking our jobs and our homes, our money and our things, but it can't take away family. It can't take away friendship. I won't let it take away those things. We had our time when the economy was good, we were able to spend and be comfortable but now we are in a time where we need to re-assess what is really important...who is really important. Is it our flat screen tv? Or is it our neighbor who just lost his job and is having a hard time figuring out how he is going to survive? Which would you choose to stick with. I know my answer to that.
I don't know what your new year resolutions are, and what ever they are I hope you are successful with them. I did not make one this year. I don't think I need to or should, I need to focus on keeping my family strong and together and whole. We are solid and we won't be going anywhere any time soon, but why wait until later to make a difference? What if later is too late? I am not willing to take that risk. I know that this year I am going to make sure I keep all of the people I care close to me and help them whenever they need, and know that they would do the same for me. That is what 2010 is about, helping people in a time of need.
Happy New Years...2010 here we come.
I spent my new years eve with two very close friends of mine. We had a blast, we watched movies we made fancy drinks, (non-alcoholic of course ;P ) watched the ball drop and popped champagne (just for fun ;P). It was so nice to be with people I really cared about, I didn't need some big elaborate party with lots of people (some of whom I probably wouldn't have known).
I think that this new year, 2010 that is, is going to be about being with people you care about. Our country is in a crisis, we are going through a lot of problems in so many different aspects and it seems our government is trying to work it all out, but it's going to take some time...but that's okay. We have our family to lean on, we have our friends. Our recession may be taking our jobs and our homes, our money and our things, but it can't take away family. It can't take away friendship. I won't let it take away those things. We had our time when the economy was good, we were able to spend and be comfortable but now we are in a time where we need to re-assess what is really important...who is really important. Is it our flat screen tv? Or is it our neighbor who just lost his job and is having a hard time figuring out how he is going to survive? Which would you choose to stick with. I know my answer to that.
I don't know what your new year resolutions are, and what ever they are I hope you are successful with them. I did not make one this year. I don't think I need to or should, I need to focus on keeping my family strong and together and whole. We are solid and we won't be going anywhere any time soon, but why wait until later to make a difference? What if later is too late? I am not willing to take that risk. I know that this year I am going to make sure I keep all of the people I care close to me and help them whenever they need, and know that they would do the same for me. That is what 2010 is about, helping people in a time of need.
Happy New Years...2010 here we come.
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