So it has been exactly six days since my last blog. Ha! I feel like I'm in confession. It has been so busy, I was going to write a few days ago because I had gotten into a big fight with my dad and I had some good feelings and ideas going on, but I was too tired and mad to do anything. And now I can't remember a single one of those ideas, I can't even remember what we had fought over. Goes to show you, do things right away!! Don't procrastinate!! (says the Queen of procrastination) Wow, I'm not sure if I should talk about procrastination or something else, because even though you can't tell I just spent about 20 minutes on Facebook doing absolutely nothing important...yea I am definitely the Queen of it.
I have decided that I will put up a picture of myself if I get at least one subscriber! I was going to put up a picture at the end of the blog after I figure everything out like I set out to do, but I realized that I could have more fun with it if I do something different. So to see the transformation of no picture to picture all I need is one subscriber and then you will get a glimpse of me!
I go back to school in less than a week, I really don't know where the time went...that's a scary concept right there, time, it's this intangible, invisible thing that is constantly changing and effecting our lives and we have no effect over it. It literally is a scary thought. An entirely new semester starts on Sunday and I can barely remember the first semster...ledging might have had something to do with that though. :P But really, how often does it happen, you wake up grab some clothes, look in the mirror and wonder, when in the hell did I grow up? I've been doing that more and more lately. Between the worries of financial stability, student loans, a job, and other various things, somewhere in there is me. The 18 year old version of me. I was five once..FIVE...we all were...can you believe it? And when we were five I'm sure we weren't worried about anything...or for others, maybe at five, they were worried about everything. We all seem to grow up at different times. I just wish that it came with an instruction manual or at least someone to help you understand the transition because I'll tell you what, I'm so confused I can't seem to figure out where up is.
I always say I'm not scared to get old and die, but in reality, I'm terrified. I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on things, I'm scared I will never see the people I truly love again..and that is a terrifying thought. And I'm not really sure how to be okay with all of it other than just telling myself and everyone else that I'm not worried about it at all. It helps a little bit because sometimes I let myself believe that it's true, but I know that I'm just putting up a wall or a veil if you will. I don't want anyone to know I'm scared, I want to be strong.
Now I'm getting myself upset. I didn't want to do that, so I'm going to change subject slightly. About going back to school, I have no clue what in the hell I want to do and it is driving me out of my mind!! I love so many things there is no way I can choose one thing to do. I love marine biology (I studied Dolphins for 3 years as an independent study), I love horses, I love animals in general, I love children, I love teaching (i have a 1st gr religious ed class and I work at a daycare), I love the human mind, I am interested in dream analysis, I like working with the elderly, I love food and everything about it (cooking, eating, composition), I love photography (I had a showing at a local gallery), I love writing and I LOVE traveling. If there is one thing that combines all of that in one, then I will be the happiest person alive. Until then, I'm going to have to settle for a psychology major. Ha! And years ago I was swearing I would be a vet. Oh well!
Well I'm exhausted and confused more so than when I started this. I've got a dentist appointment in the morning. Novocaine here I come!!!! I hope that you can find the one thing that is right for you and that makes you completely happy.
Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets ;)
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