Hiya, this blog is going to be a bit shorter than the others seeing as I went into the city today to meet up my friends from school (hmm what mystery city am I talking about?) I am so exhausted I swear if i put up the unedited version of this there would be so many spelling errors that would make no sense at all, it would just be gibberish. I am so tired my eyes sting. You know when that happens? When you are so drained and tired that your eyes literally start to sting and burn. I think it's out body's way of saying GET SOME REST! So that is exactly what I will be doing very very shortly.

After being in the city all day with my friends from school I really appreciated having them in my life. I mean, when else would I ever have an excuse to randomly go to the city and spend money without feeling to terribly guilty (though in the recession i feel like it's impossible to feel completely guilt free) and when else would I be able to forget everything and just enjoy myself. I was having such a great day and then it was brought down momentarily when I received a rude text from a friend at home. At first when I got the text I was hurt and upset (the actual content of the text isn't really important, it's more of the fact that she sent it to me at all) but then I became angry and annoyed. I have had on and of problems with her for twelve years and all of those twelve years she made me feel like it all was my fault, and I believed it, I really thought it was all my fault. But after going to school and meeting new people and joining a sorority (fun fact) I got to experience what it felt like to have friends who had my back no matter what, who would never hurt me intentionally, and who would never make me feel like something was my fault just so they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their actions or just so they could have someone to blame.

So I sat in the city, surrounded by my best friends and stood my ground, told my other friend how I felt about her rude text and you know what happened? She responded, and I don't know if I made her feel guilty, but she apologized...sort of, she has an odd way of apologizing but I know how she does it and that is exactly what I saw in her text. But now I know, I know where real friendship lies, I know who I can go to with out worrying about what they're going to think of me or if they can keep it a secret, or if they'll just listen to what I have to say. All of those things are things that I have had to worry about for so long, but not any more. I've begun to find myself, and even though I still have only touched the tip of the iceberg (and this blog has already helped me) I have a lot more to figure out. But I'm stronger, I am standing my ground and that is something that I have never been able to do. I think it's the combination of being away at college and having to do things on my own and having to eliminate all vulnerability (of course, there is always still some there).

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Artistotle



They keep me pieced together when I'm falling apart and I owe everything to them. Make sure, no matter where you are in life, that you cherish your friends. I certainly don't know how long I'll be lucky enough to have them in my life but however long I am given I plan on making the most out of it. So please, if there is someone who cares about you and has laughed with you and cried with you and told you things that no one else would then appreciate them. Appreciate every moment of laughter and tears, because those moments are the ones that shape us.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Secrets.

Hello again. I'm not sure if it would be more practical to leave a post every few days or every week. It's easier to recap on certain things if I do it every day, but it would be easier to do it only a few times a week. Not sure what I'm going to do about this dilemma (though it's not exactly dangerous I'm going to consider this a dilemma).

Here are another few things about myself. I'm religious, but in an odd way. I was raised Roman Catholic, I believe in God with every fiber of my being, but I can't seem to get myself to grasp and believe everything about my religion. Personally I think the Bible is more about metaphors than actual happenings. (I don't want to get too into my religious feelings; you never know what could happen if someone simply voiced their opinion, a whole army could rise up and smother it out and tell them exactly how they should think). But i guess what I'm saying is that for being Catholic, I'm extremely open minded and open to interpretations. I LOVE to travel, I've been to several countries and have loved every single one of them. There is something about immersing oneself in a foreign culture that is exciting and curious. Where else can you sit at a pub and listen to genuine, ancient and traditional music while drinking a local ale? Or walk down cobblestone streets and hear a language you don't understand but know by the laughter that the conversations are happy ones. Or even touch the gravestone of a famous author and wonder what he did when he was alive. Truly, you can't beat moments like that, whether in Ireland, Italy, or England, you just can't beat it.

So today was a very simple day. I got to play with the an adorable and sweet natured child for about four hours while his mother socialized and got a small break from her matronly duties. It just made me realize that, though I adore children and love making them laugh and smile, I would so much rather be watching a good movie or wrapped up in a warm blanket with some tea taking a nap. I'm not sure if this means I'm lazy or not, but it makes me feel that way, though I don't feel that laziness (for the situation) is a bad thing in this case, just a teenage thing.

I think religion has been on my mind a lot ( I wasn't going to talk about religion any more because I was worried about upsetting some one, but then I remembered "oh yea! I made this blog to voice what I was thinking and to figure life out...I doubt restraining my thoughts will help my case) (and seriously, if you take anything offensively just know that they are my feelings and beliefs and they have no effect on you whatsoever, they affect me myself and I, so don't act all offended like my feelings physically injured you :P) So, I've been having a hard time understanding what exactly is right for me. I mentioned in my previous blog "The Secret"...the secret is about the law of attraction (no, not attraction as in 'oh i think he's a cutie') the law of attraction as if I desire something, and think about it enough and visualize it enough then eventually it will make it's way into my life. On countless occasions this method has worked for me and helped me, at first it scared me because I thought well if i'm doing this myself does that mean that God isn't real? Or not even that but I think what was running through my head was whether or not God made things happen or if we did.

I watched The Secret again and realized that it could be taken in a very religious way. The law of attraction is, by some, seen as a higher power (some see it as the Universe, others as God) answering the thought wave you have sent out. Interesting hmm? Of course I'm not doing it half the justice it deserves. It's so complicated that if I even tried to explain it in a somewhat remotely understandable way we would all be left thinking "what the heck is she trying to say here".

I have always been interested in different types of religions and belief systems. I think that it's important to believe in something, no matter what it is, because having that one thing that is so important gives us all something to hold on to. In times of hard-ship we have a something to turn to to seek guidance and strength. If having something to believe in helps us and sets up a strong platform of values and morals to lead or life on, then why the heck are people trying to destroy it? I don't care if you are muslin, Jewish, pagan or atheist. If you have a belief of some sort that lets you live your life and helps you get through hard times and situations then by all means, believe in it. I don't think any of the religions are "right" or "wrong" I think every religion is right for who ever chooses it. If you believe something enough then it becomes true. How do we know God is real? We don't, but we believe he is real, and so he is. To me he is real, he is present in my life everyday and I am thankful for that. But for someone else Allah is present in their life, or even several Gods, and to them they are all very real and also comforting. So why deprive people of something that gives them comfort and support? Let your beliefs be your own, do not impose or take away from someone elses.

Whew! Wow, I didn't really know I had all of those feelings, well, actually I think I did know I had just never put them down in words so I didn't realize how much there was to it. My head can fit a lot more than I thought it could. :P I hope this was some food for thought, because it constantly has me thinking (among other things) but today this just seemed to be on my mind more than usual. Wonder what it all means.

Unil next time...it's all Hidden Secrets ;)

My feet are killing me!

Day 3! I think it's interesting all the things that we can learn from that happen in everyday life, but we are too busy and totally dismiss them. I had a great day today...oh wait! I get to reveal a little bit more about myself for you.

So you know my age and all of that, you know I think way too into things, and that I am confused about, well, everything. Here's something new; I horseback ride, I've been horseback riding since I was six years old and it is one of those things that completely...completes me. Sometimes I would get lazy and not want to go to the barn for my lesson or just not want to move from whatever I was doing, but then I would get up and go. And every time I made it to the barn I would just think, why in the hell did I not want to come? The fresh air that smelt of half eaten hay and worn leather, the sound of the horses deep breaths and their hooves moving around in their stalls, and most wonderful of all the sight of all the horses heads leaning out of their stall doors to see who just came in the door. There is no better greeting to the senses than walking into a barn. (not for me at least) Hmm...what else about myself...well I laugh, a lot. I laugh at things people say, I laugh at things I say (sometimes I'm the only one laughing) I love watching comedians (Ralphie May, Jeff Dunham, or even John Pinette) because, well I dunno, laughing jsut makes me feel good and who doesn't want to feel good?? So I guess it's a little bit of a giveaway that if I like to laugh then I like to smile. I heard that just the act of smiling releases endorphins (so does laughing) which are the chemicals that create the happy feeling.

So optimism is really important to me and like I was writing in the beginning (if you forgot see top of blog :P) I had a pretty good day. My mom and I got to do some shopping, not much because the economy is hurting out pockets, but it was better than nothing and it got us both out if the house; it also completely exhausted us. I just noticed that things change so much depending on the mood you put yourself in. And I feel that you completely choose the mood you are in ( of course, I do realize there are situations that you have no control over how you feel) but in daily life when not a whole lot is going on, you choose whether you are in a good mood or a bad one. I could have easily been in a horrible mood all day, but I chose not to be. I decided to suck up any problems I may have with my mom and the moment and just enjoy things. It makes everything so much better. I'm sure some people have a much harder time just "sucking it up" and putting on a good mood, but if you can bring yourself to just get over your problems and worries for just a little bit, then by all means, DO IT!!! It makes an enourmous difference. Instead of your surroundings seeming dreary and dull (and trust me, over the past few days that is how some things have seemed to me...unfortunately) things will seem bright and just...better. but it all depends on what you are willing to do, at least that's what I think.

I guess my bad mood just got to me too much and I was tired of feeling sorry for myself...so I just smiled. (wow, all of this optimism is freaking me out a bit) Nah, if you knew me you would know that I am geneerally a happy person. If you watch The Secret you'd know why. It's an amazing movie that literally changed my life and how I see.

So what have I deduced from today? Optimism is key! And even though I know this, once again, I may or may not choose to be so. Hmm, you would think since I see that it is better and makes things easier that I would just do it, but I don't know why but sometimes it's seriously just not that easy.

Well my feet are killing me from shopping and my eyelids are starting to burn from exhaustion. I think it's my cue to go to bed. I hope all is well.

Until next time...it's all Hidden Sectets. ;)

Well here it is, day two of my mission to figure life out. I was wondering if I should make some sort of time limit, but how the heck do I put a time restraint on this sort of thing. "Okay, by the 28th I need to have figured out what I want to do with my life..." yea, it doesn't seem very realistic. I think I'm going to stick with the 'just go with it' plan.

But before I do anything I should at least give a little bit as to who I am, though I won't be giving everything away, that's going to be done over time...hidden secrets remember? ;)

Well, first off, I'm a girl, but you can see that on my profile. I'm confused about everything, but that's why I started this blog. (Don't worry I'll be making some progress in just a moment :P) So, who am I? Well, since I'm still trying to figure that out I'll just put out what I already know. I'm eighteen, but I feel much older sometimes. I love to laugh (shoot this is starting to sound like a dating profile). I look at things a little more analytically than I probably should. I don't know why I do, but I see things and I can't help but think about them, but then so many thoughts fill my head I can't hear anything. *sigh* I'll be thinking about that later. Hmm what else? Well, I'm self conscious, but who isn't? I think it's funny how we are like this but whenever a friend or someone close is complaining about what ever it is that bothers them, we just tell them to stop and then we give them a pep talk about how amazing they are and all that matters is on the inside, but the whole time we have the same exact feelings as the insecure person and at some point we too will be complaining about what ever it is that bothers us about ourselves. See? Analytical huh?

That's a bit about myself, just a little bit. Today was interesting, I am on Christmas vacation (oh, ps, I'm not politically correct so if you prefer "winter break" or "holiday" feel free to pretend that's what's there (and I mean that in a very polite way)) (yes I put a parentheses inside of another one) Any way, I have been having a decently miserable break, yet I've been smiling the entire time. I'm trying to figure out if the smiling thing has been helping.

My parents and I have been in a huge fight because of some poor grades. First semester of college is tough, those people (who ever they are) that say first semester is the hardest, well, they are sooooo right. So if you are a parent PLEASE take it into consideration when your 3.7 GPA child comes home and is on academic probation. It's just a speed bump in their long road of academics, work with them okay? But in all of this arguing I realized...nothing. This arguing, this hollering and bantering was absolutely meaningless. Where would this get any of us? Hmm? (If any one can think of a logical answer to that go ahead and let me know, because it's escaping me) The arguing accomplished nothing, all it did was leave me in tears (though I refuse to show my parents) and mom and dad in a livid mess. It gets nothing accomplished.

Now I spent the entire day out of my house, I was with my best friend, who miraculously listened to all off my rantings and raving and in the end had great advice. Which I took to heart, because not to take a best friends advice to heart is just dumb (but make sure you have already taken your bf's advice on a test run, sometimes things can end up messy) So I went back to them (my parents), calm and with a semi white flag (I'm much to stubborn to forfeit completely) and I talked to them. I just told them, in a completely civil manner but still holding my ground, what I did wrong. I explained every move I made and which ones were good and which ones were...not so good. It made so much difference!!! We just discussed better options for me and what I could do to improve! I have a game plan for next semester that I would have never figured out if I had gone back to them with the same anger I had left them in. This great outcome would have happened if they had come to me this way too. If they were the ones to come to me calmly and with an off white flag (though mine was more of a cream color) we still could come to a helpful solution.

I don't know if every future argument will end so diplomatically, I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet (another fun fact) and so I can't guarantee I will always be willing to calm down quite like I did today, but still...the difference it made. I at least I know I have that option, now whether I choose it is completely up in the air. But it's there none the less. It makes me wonder what other options have always been there; not just concerning fighting, but other things, like, if if I find a credit card do I keep it or return it. Those kinds of options, you know? The big ones that matter, the ones that would make a big impact depending on which I choose. If I keep the credit card I could get caught and charged with identity theft and if I return it, well i don't have to worry about that and who knows, maybe that person will by me a cup of coffee (though I drink tea). I like having this blog, it makes me think about important things, I don't know if I should be exhausted from all this thinking or not!

So that was for day two. I have to say, I think it was a good realization. It's noting major, but it is helpful I think. I wonder if everyone realizes things like this everyday but just ignore them. What if someone saw the same thing I did today but just dismissed it and moved on because they never took the time to write it down and think about it for a bit. Weird. Any realizations out there? Epiphany moments interest me, I don't care how big or small, because in some way they make a difference. Hmm, I just noticed I like things that make a difference. Do you?

Well, till next time the rest is all Hidden Secrets. ;)

The beginning...

I think most people start a blog saying "I'm not sure why I started this but..." or "I'm not sure what made me want to blog..." but I know exactly why I want to. Or, at least I want to think I know exactly why.

I had seen Julie and Julia, I watched the whole movie and was mesmerized by the change in Julie's life. I thought it would be amazing if things like that just happened like that (stick with me here, I'm not some crazed fan looking for a sudden change of luck in my life...not really anyway). I didn't realize, until I took a trip to the special features, that it was a true story! There was a real woman who actually did all of the things that were portrayed in the movie! Now I understand that everything was "hollywood-ized" (yes, I did it, I made up a word) but knowing that it actually happened made it real for me...and I think sometimes 'real' is a good thing. So I have decided to make a blog as well, and I'm not trying to cook through Julia Childs cookbook, but I am trying to figure things out. I am trying to understand who I am and where I fit in this crazy insane word, and I know for a fact I am not the only one who is trying to figure that one out (college made that overly apparent).

So in this blog that is what I am going to do. I'm going to figure things out, or at least try to. I have things I want to accomplish and places I want to go. And here is were I'm going to do it. I am going to post everyday and each day I am going to give away a little bit of who I am and where I am headed, even though I really don't know myself, but I guess that is the exciting part of it isn't is? As I type am going to type what is coming into my head as it is coming into my head, I don't want to edit what I put (aside from spelling errors, because that would be plain annoying) I want this to be a raw version of me. I am tired of editing everything I do and say just to make sure it all fits. I am finally making a space for myself and I get to choose what happens in it, even if it is a blog...it's my blog...and no one can tell me where to edit.

So as of now all of those things: who I am, where I want to go, who I want to be...as of now, it's all a hidden secret. ; )